I have a confession to make.
I feel like I’m treading water in my business. Like I’ve lost my focus and clarity on my bigger vision, my direction, my overall purpose.
I’ve got some really clear, really strong short-term goals and objectives that are front and centre, but thinking beyond the short term has become really hazy.
It’s probably not a ground-breaking revelation, and all the mums out there are probably nodding their heads and thinking ‘duh’ to themselves, because I know that everything is going to shift monumentally as I step into this new role of motherhood. I’m counting down for that shift, and it’s like I can’t think beyond the practicalities of getting to that point when it comes to a vision for the future of my business.
So what do you do when ‘work’ is not just a job, it’s something you’ve grown and nourished and tended to; it’s something that requires attention and intention and tonnes of hard work and love-filled hustle, and suddenly you’ve got something that so far outweighs that as a priority?
It might not be a baby on the way, it could be health, family or relationship-related.
Right now the answer is, ‘I don’t know’. (Sorry if you were hoping for some glowing gems of guidance on this one!)
I’ve spent so long being so focused on my career, and then building my business; and I loved it. The consistent drive, the clarity and aching determination, the fire and excitement and passion that I channelled into my brand just isn’t there in its usual consistency right now, it ebbs and flows day by day.
The underlying ambition and goals, the desire to achieve those same things is still there, I can still feel it, but the hustle and drive to do it is gone and that scares me.
And you know what, the more I think about it, it’s not that I’m on the precipice of change waiting for the final wisp to topple me over the edge (aka a screaming, demanding little life-form to emerge into my life), I’m already in it. And maybe that’s why I don’t feel like I’ve got room or energy or passion to dedicate to keeping that clear vision for my business in sight.
One of the biggest things I’ve learnt over the last few years is that we ALWAYS underestimate the impact change will have on us, and just what it takes to process change.
Personal change, personal growth, coming to terms with new circumstances, physical changes, financial changes, a new location, a new job, one of those ‘a-ha’ realisations, clearly seeing the evidence of evolution in your relationship with a partner or close friend, even the changes that come with renovating your house – it may seem to be surface level change, it may seem small or inconsequential, it may be something you’ve been desperately wanting and working towards for years - it all needs to be processed.
And that takes times.
It’s not surprising that I don’t have the consistent fire in my belly right now. Physically, as well as emotionally, my energy isn’t what it was. The love is still there, but there is a lot, A LOT, of growth and change going on right now.
My relationship with myself. My relationship with my body. My relationship with my husband. With money. With my family. With sex and sexuality. Everything I’ve learnt and everything I’ve accepted as a norm, every assumption behind the way I think and behave and operate on a daily basis is being called forward, asking me to question the ‘why’ behind it.
Why do you do things that way? Why do you place higher importance on this than that? Why do you feel validated by one thing and lessened by another? Why does this trigger you? Why is that your automatic response? Why has that thought popped up right at this minute? Why are you thinking about that, rather than being here and present with this?
And behind everyone of these questions is the underlying crux of the matter – ‘what will this be teaching my daughter?’ How will this behaviour, thought, attitude, perspective, belief shape the way she views the world?
Ultimately, I know that some of the basics remain the same. I love running my own business, working for myself, getting to work with amazing and inspiring clients, having the freedom and flexibility that it offers, and that’s going to be even more important once I have a child.
I love what I do. That hasn’t changed; and it might be that the vision comes out of this wash looking exactly as it did before, but it’s where it sits within my broader life vision that has changed. And it’s the amount that I put in that will alter.
I guess we’ll see.
Someone said that we write so that we know what we’ve learnt. Well, because this post has been ‘processing by writing’, so I hope you’ll forgive me for being a bit self-indulgent. It feels scary and vulnerable to admit that this is how I’m feeling about my business, but I’m walking the walk and opening myself up with authenticity and truth.
Have you ever felt this way in your business? Has a huge, alternate priority suddenly fogged up the crystal clear vision you’ve been working towards?