Today is a first for me. An exciting first of many firsts.
Today I am officially on maternity leave. And what a way to kick it off!
Right now I’m sitting in bed, in a treehouse looking out through the gum leaves across the lake to the ocean. We woke up to a Kookaburras welcoming the sunrise (not actually the most tranquil way to wake up, those buggars are loud, but beautiful nonetheless) and the sound of the swell rolling in. From here we can actually see two sea hawks in their nest!!! Seriously!
We’re taking a little long weekend ‘babymoon’ up the coast - a few days for us both to get our heads around the fact that we’re now officially ‘full term’ and just waiting for this munchkin to decide to make her move.
A few days for me to completely let go and unwind now that I’m on mat’ leave.
For the first time in my adult life I have an unspecified amount of time where I’ve got no work commitments. WHAT?!?!
It’s awesome. It’s exciting. And it feels totally weird!
I'm not on holiday. I'm not sick. But I’m not working (she says writing a blog post; but writing isn't work to me. It's so many things - joy, gut wrenching pain, light, blissful happiness, cathartic purging, therapy, teaching, a calling, a gift, learning, opening, softening, centring - but it isn't work.)
There has been a long lead up to this point, sure. But from today onwards there’s no more denying that things have, and will continue to, irrefutably change.
My focus has been on a steady baby zone-in for months and now I’ve got full scope to totally surrender to all my nesting instincts.
I had a conversation with Pete a week or so ago and tried to explain to him that right now is not a good time for him to decide he wants to look at buying a new house or changing our investment strategy because:
A) we are about to have a baby.
B) my body is physiologically programmed to focus primarily on said baby meaning the logical side of my brain is not functioning at it’s usual capacity, aka making any major life or financial decisions is really not a great plan right now.
and not to mention C) we JUST finished our brand new fabulous kitchen/living reno - in fact the gas hasn’t even been connected yet, so I haven’t had a chance to use my massive new fancy gas cook top
This conversation may also have been accompanied with a few exasperated ‘gah!’s and some forehead slapping. (God knows I love that man. He’s the big picture planner, which is amazing and has set us up really well, but he’s also a Pisces, so sometimes struggles to connect his big plans with the reality that is poking him in the nose - for example, a wife who could go into labour at any minute.)
Anyway, the point is my peripheral vision has very quickly narrowed and I’ve got one very specific focus.
From one perspective it could feel like life is getting smaller. Constricting. Scaling down. But oh lovely, that is SO not the case.
There is a lot that is going; things that won’t survive the change. Things that I happily and readily release.
From today I have nothing more to distract me or hold me back from fully, completely and unreservedly letting go of any clinging tendrils of my 'old way'.
The way I used to operate on a daily basis.
The way I used to label and categorise and box myself in.
The way I used to define success.
The way I used to define myself.
The way I used to think, the thought processes, habits and limiting beliefs I used to cling to.
The way I used to be ruled by my masculine energy, never letting my divine feminine flourish.
The way I used to fear femininity as weakness.
The way I used to mask vulnerability with bravado.
The way I used to say 'yes' when what I really wanted to say was 'no'.
The way I used to succumb to comparison and contrast, always second guessing my own journey.
The way I used to push and strive and hustle.
The way I used to hide within my own life.
There’s no work to hide behind anymore. No external, predetermined expectations of success. No KPIs. No metrics. No financial targets.
There is space, expansion and surrender.
There is simplicity. And simple is very, very different to small.
Simplicity creates space. Simplicity allows freedom and creativity and love to flourish. Simplicity makes room for growth, for change and transition to be integrated and absorbed.
Simplicity requires clarity. Clarity of your priorities, of your focus. It’s a process, a philosophy, not a destination, and it takes commitment to maintain it. It requires some gumption, tenacity and resilience to stick to your guns and say ‘no’ more often.
But that’s the key to living any incarnation of a mindful, conscious life.
Whatever the change, whatever period of transition you’re experiencing, pushing through, trying to ‘solve’ it, get around, over or under it will only result in tension, constriction and pain. The only way is through, and if you can surrender to that, if you can embrace simplicity and allow yourself the space to integrate the changes then things will find their flow.
So today I’m surrendering to simplicity. I’m inviting change and transition in with open arms and softening into the expansive unknown.